Month number two!

Well, we have survived two months. So much has happened, evolved, and changed in two months. Our lives are completely different and Ivan has changed and grown so much. He is now 9 LBS 14 OUNCES.  We have the breast feeding going better and hopefully the fussing starts to taper away. I am now starting to think about work, childcare, and balancing all of it while taking care of myself and my marriage. Grateful to have family in town and a wonderful mom who loves to take care of him. Ivan, you are growing on me though. I think I got a first real smile today. It melted my heart. I love my family.

Birth Story

I have been meaning to write this for a long time now. Already, six weeks later, the memories are starting to fade.
On the Monday before I had gone to the doctor and gotten a strep test. I ended up bleeding a lot, I was also having contractions, so I got admitted to Labor and Delivery. I was in Labor and Delivery for a couple of hours getting monitored and everything was okay. However, I am pretty sure I lost my mucous plug that day or the next and was super mucousy for the rest of the week. I was also having Braxton Hicks contractions all week. Saturday rolled around and we went out for lunch with Erik's mom and did a little shopping. By evening, I was super tired. We made a big dinner and I did some yoga. After dinner I was going to relax on the couch and my water burst. I could feel it inside me pop open and then we had liquid everywhere. This was at 9:10pm. It had started snowing, so it took a bit to get to the hospital.

Total labor and delivery was 4.5hours. I pushed for 40 minutes. The doctor told me I only had a few pushes left and I think it was about 20 later that he came out. Pushing was so much better than contractions. The pain was so much better. Contractions were the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
I will never, ever forget my first view of Ivan after he was born. He was covered in that white stuff, pale, on his stomach draped over the doctors arm and he let out an immediate cry.  His face lookubg mostly like it still does today. I will also never forget him laying on my chest for the first time. Making his soft ah,ah,ah cry. The older he gets the less I hear of that cry. I really loved the sound of that. He wasn't unhappy it was more of a I am now comfortable cry.

Milestones

Well Ivan, we have come to two milestones. First, was your one month birthday. I took pictures of you that day. I promise. I was basically still too stressed out about you gaining weight to make a huge deal out of it. Which leaves us at the second milestone. We graduated from lactation on February 22. We weighed you in and you were 8lbs 3ounces. You gained from 7lbs 10 ounces on the Thursday before. I was tired of hearing how to feed you and the lactation nurse agreed we were safe to let you go. What a relief. It is now February 28th and I am still worried about you eating, my nursing, my milk coming in, etc. but you are doing great and we love you very much. What a huge obstacle we have overcome.

Little baby not gaining weight

These past couple of days have been super challening. Ivan is not gaining weight and breast feeding is just not cutting it. We are now having to breast feed, bottle feed, even syringe feed, and then pump. Sometimes the bottle has to be supplemented with formula which Ivan hates. He makes a big face and won't suck. Poor little guy gets tired and I don't even feel like I am enjoying him trying to get him to take on the food. The nurses and the doctors are concerned and they even mentioned a feeding tube and the hospital today.

For me this this is an emotional nightmare. I just start to cry at every weigh in when there is not enough weight gain. I also cry at home when he throws up or won't take the formula bottle. I don't think the lack of sleep helps and I love everybody who comes by but I feel a little like I need to tend to him not to them.

This story is going to have a happy ending. It is just being in the moment that is trying. I need to keep remembering Susan's card. Don't hurry the journey, at all.

Time to feed. Fingers crossed.

One week old today

Well this blog missed the birth story. I will put that on my list of to dos, but for now I want to skip right to the one week old. Ivan Drago Hornovich, I can't believe your father convinced me to give you that last name or that we went with Drago. Anyway, you are here now and your little face is already implanted in my brain. What a test and an accomplishment you have been. Looking at you today and everyday since you were born I can't believe you are here and I can't believe that I and yourdad created such a perfect little human. I have to say evenings are hard. I don't know if it is hormones or being tired but I usually go to sleep in tears. Not sad tears, well maybe a little. For not being the same for Mister, or anything else that seems sad, but I am still happy, and when morning rolls around, and the day begins again, everything is good. I keep having thoughts I wish I would write down and now don't remember any of them.

I hope we are doing everything right. I hope you are eating, pooping, peeing enough. Not sleeping too much. I worry about all those things as well. Part of me as I described in my last blog that is challenging.

One thing for sure. My heart swells just a bit more for you everyday. I love you my  little Vanya.

Almost 37 weeks and full term

This past week has been interesting as far as the pregnancy is concerned. Monday at a routine doctors appointment my body decided to go through a series of events that landed me in Labor and Delivery getting observed. All these pushups I thought Ivan was doing were actually contractions. Now that I know what a contraction feels like I feel like I am getting them all the time and am going to go into labor at any moment. On Monday I was also 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. Further, I am feeling very pregnant. I don't have any desire to do much more than walk a little bit. Tried running a couple of steps and the weight of the baby and my expanding cervix made it feel all wrong. I don't think I want to wait three weeks but am super nervous and have a lot of anxiety about what the new changes are going to be. I also realized I am having a hard time with the unknown. Not knowing when labor is going to start is hard. Not knowing what the lack of sleep is like is scary. However, these are the things in life that make us grow. Grow stronger, learn new things, make us better people. How can I not accept it and although I may not like it, appreciate the experience.

I think we are pretty ready though. Everything except the car seat. I think it is installed correctly but still moved around a bit and hits the seat in front. Heading to the firestation tomorrow to see if they can install it in the middle. Funny how you can't leave the hospital without a car seat but that is one of the last things to get done.

34.5 weeks

It is New Years Eve and I just read a Facebook post reflecting on the year which got me thinking. I have to say 2015 probably wasn't my best year. We spent January and February and maybe some of March finishing the house and moving, which I did not call fun. I went to St. George and had a terrible race, had to find a new job because my old boss went to another school. I did put on a successful Bobca Triathlon to only have those fuckers and the institution of MSU take it away.   I also got pregnant in May, so a lot of the year was spent with a lot of thought of this little creature growing inside of me.

Upon this reflection I need to make a more positive spin. (give me a break, I have been home sick for almost a week) In February we finished our beautiful house. I love my house! I suspect we will be here for a long time. I then got pregnant . It only took a couple of months and then bam, my life changed FOREVER. I have now been spending the last 8 months incubating a life inside of me and really that has been an experience that has been worth it. I was also able to gravel with amazing friends to triathlons, even if ,y races didn't go well or I didn't race at all. I got to spend some time at the beach with my Mom and another time on a nice trip with my husband. My new job is much better than the old one and although it keeps making uncomfortable, at the end of the day I feel rewarded.

I am excited for 2016 and what the year brings. Ivan will decide to join us in our beautiful new home here in the next few weeks. I am nervous and excited to meet him. We will never go back to our old way of life but I am pretty certain that the new way will be more fulfiling. I am excited to be able to go running outside. I want to do intervals on the bike and some good solid track workouts. Feel the gasping breath and blood in my mouth again. Oh, and to drink a full adult beverage will be nice. Maybe take a trip and get Ivan used to plane travel at a young age.

Here is to 2016. The best year yet.