Little baby not gaining weight

These past couple of days have been super challening. Ivan is not gaining weight and breast feeding is just not cutting it. We are now having to breast feed, bottle feed, even syringe feed, and then pump. Sometimes the bottle has to be supplemented with formula which Ivan hates. He makes a big face and won't suck. Poor little guy gets tired and I don't even feel like I am enjoying him trying to get him to take on the food. The nurses and the doctors are concerned and they even mentioned a feeding tube and the hospital today.

For me this this is an emotional nightmare. I just start to cry at every weigh in when there is not enough weight gain. I also cry at home when he throws up or won't take the formula bottle. I don't think the lack of sleep helps and I love everybody who comes by but I feel a little like I need to tend to him not to them.

This story is going to have a happy ending. It is just being in the moment that is trying. I need to keep remembering Susan's card. Don't hurry the journey, at all.

Time to feed. Fingers crossed.

One week old today

Well this blog missed the birth story. I will put that on my list of to dos, but for now I want to skip right to the one week old. Ivan Drago Hornovich, I can't believe your father convinced me to give you that last name or that we went with Drago. Anyway, you are here now and your little face is already implanted in my brain. What a test and an accomplishment you have been. Looking at you today and everyday since you were born I can't believe you are here and I can't believe that I and yourdad created such a perfect little human. I have to say evenings are hard. I don't know if it is hormones or being tired but I usually go to sleep in tears. Not sad tears, well maybe a little. For not being the same for Mister, or anything else that seems sad, but I am still happy, and when morning rolls around, and the day begins again, everything is good. I keep having thoughts I wish I would write down and now don't remember any of them.

I hope we are doing everything right. I hope you are eating, pooping, peeing enough. Not sleeping too much. I worry about all those things as well. Part of me as I described in my last blog that is challenging.

One thing for sure. My heart swells just a bit more for you everyday. I love you my  little Vanya.

Almost 37 weeks and full term

This past week has been interesting as far as the pregnancy is concerned. Monday at a routine doctors appointment my body decided to go through a series of events that landed me in Labor and Delivery getting observed. All these pushups I thought Ivan was doing were actually contractions. Now that I know what a contraction feels like I feel like I am getting them all the time and am going to go into labor at any moment. On Monday I was also 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. Further, I am feeling very pregnant. I don't have any desire to do much more than walk a little bit. Tried running a couple of steps and the weight of the baby and my expanding cervix made it feel all wrong. I don't think I want to wait three weeks but am super nervous and have a lot of anxiety about what the new changes are going to be. I also realized I am having a hard time with the unknown. Not knowing when labor is going to start is hard. Not knowing what the lack of sleep is like is scary. However, these are the things in life that make us grow. Grow stronger, learn new things, make us better people. How can I not accept it and although I may not like it, appreciate the experience.

I think we are pretty ready though. Everything except the car seat. I think it is installed correctly but still moved around a bit and hits the seat in front. Heading to the firestation tomorrow to see if they can install it in the middle. Funny how you can't leave the hospital without a car seat but that is one of the last things to get done.