The research shows that we try to ward off disappointment with a shield of cynicism, disarm shame by numbing ourselves against joy, and circumvent grief by shutting off our willingness to love," explains Dr. Brown. When we become aware of these patterns, she teaches, we begin to become conscious of how much we sacrifice in the name of self-defense-and how much richer our lives become when we open ourselves to vulnerability.
"In my research," Dr. Brown says, "the word I use to describe people who can live from a place of vulnerability is wholehearted." Being wholehearted is a practice-one that we can choose to cultivate through empathy, gratitude, and awareness of our vulnerability armor. Join this engaging and heartfelt teacher on The Power of Vulnerability as she offers profound insights on leaning into the full spectrum of emotions-so we can show up, let ourselves be seen, and truly be all in.
I was feeling wholehearted and armed with how to deal with shame triggers when I walked into work on Monday. Good thing, my boss, citing lack of funding, said in front of the entire lab (which he had purposely gathered) that I would be done after my contract ended. Decided to take the summer off and hang out with Ivan. Hopefully get some unemployment. Cultivate joy, play, and white space and hopefully come across a new career. I knew that I had been trying this thing too many times and I had finally learned my lesson.
Anyway, the reason I am writing this is because it dawned on me last night what Dr. Brene Brown means when she says that all of the above is an epidemic. I have two very distinct experiences with my employer, Montana State University where the institution as a whole uses shame on it's employees, protects itself from vulnerability, does not practice empathy, and has a huge armor up for self defense. All of this sounds like it should be obvious and that is how something should work, but it is to the detriment of the very people making the institution function. With it, people do not find joy in their employment, and ultimately leaves the institution could be much better. I have two examples that have really scarred me and I think those scars will fade but they will probably never disappear.
The Bobcat Triathlon
I donated my time and some of my money to establish a triathlon on the MSU campus. All proceeds went to the Triathlon Club. Montana State University employees sat me down and told me that some Dean told them I could not put on the race anymore. I could help the students to do it, and it didn't matter that it would take more of my volunteer time. Basically, they told a volunteer we don't want your service. I had poured my heart and soul into establishing that race and was absolutely devastated. Until now, I have not been able to understand what happened except for my long list of examples. First, the institution itself shamed me (no person would take responsibility). Further, because it was the institution there was no empathy, no compassion and really, no accountability. That shame, like a little kid being told his art isn't good enough, put my race promoting on hold, probably forever. Shame devastated. The institution has itself set up to have no one person doing the shaming. They have their armor.
My latest (and greatest) job fail
I was hired by a new Endowed Chair. He fed me everything I wanted to hear. Co-PI, run the lab when he was gone, etc. I signed up immediately. Turns out, this guy is a bucket of crazy. I think he may even be a con artist. He gives me a project, absolutely no guidance, and an unattainable deadline. ( I should have discussed the deadline with him but didn't, first mistake). I miss the deadline, he gets shame triggered, I get shame triggered, he tries to give a really bad pep talk, I stand up for myself, I get laid off citing funding. A couple of days later he gets a 2 million dollar donation. Clearly, money is not the problem. I am a female and I stood up to him. He fired me. Total bullshit. Here is the problem. I am at a loss for recourse. MSU has set up annual contracts for all of it's professional employees. I didn't get a contract renewal. That's it. I could file a grievance but it is initially to be directed at the supervisor. I can't go to him and tell him I think he fired me because I am a woman. Can I? The institution is armoring themselves and protecting themselves. There is no accountability for laying someone off. No empathy.
